Farmyard Sentry

I've shared tidbits about my quilting life, road trips and even about the grankids, but so far, no stories about my Dad. To set up this little tale, I'll share a bit of history about him, the man-who-retired-and-now-has-too-much-time-on-his-hands-so-he-tries-to-come-up-with-ways-to-get-a-rise-out-of-his-eldest-daughter guy. When Robert and I built the cabin 3 years ago, I was delighted to live by the pond where many happy childhood memories had been made. My Dad seemed to delight in dragging large objects into my front yard to see how long it would take me to call and ask "What the H---?" After all, it's still his farm and he can pile stuff anywhere he wants, right? Okay, noted, but do we really need the deer blind that is falling apart as yard art? Or old 50 gallon oil drums lined up in a row just in case I wanted them for planters? Really? Usually, these items remained for just a day or two or until I called him on his latest scheme. There was always a chuckle on the other end of the line, then the item would disappear as quickly and quietly as it had appeared. As another example, last spring, while walking past the apple trees, my 6-yr-old granddaughter, Aleece, commented "Cool Gramma, Grampa B. has a dead squirrel hanging in his tree." The younger granddaughter, Delainey, screamed and ran to the house, not nearly as interested in getting a closer look. As Aleece and I investigated further, turns out it was one leg of pantyhose filled with hair to keep the deer away.

Human hair is commonly used for this purpose, but a handful of hair in the toe of the hose works just fine. My Dad? No way, bigger is ALWAYS better - so he fills half the leg with hair and scrunches it just so, wraps a rope around it and hangs it in the tree. He claims he didn't think anyone would notice. Sure thing, Pops. After a few days, I noticed not just a leg of pantyhose, but the actual panty part of the pantyhose full of hair on another apple tree. Really, Dad? So I got on the phone, gave him the appropriate amount of complaining to satisfy him, and the next day, it was gone. So......when I returned from my 11 day trip to WI, he was by the road taking down barb wire fence. I stopped and we visited for a while, then I commented on the large rolls of barb wire by my driveway, wondering out loud if they were to become the new spring yard art. He just grinned and changed the subject. The next day, on my way to work, the 2 rolls of barb wire were piled one on top of the other. I paid no attention. The next day, there were branches sticking out of each side and a face added from carefully cut chunks of tree branch. Still, I remained silent. No need to egg him on. But today, our barbed wire guy had a new plastic bucket hat, so I broke down and called.

When I asked if we would be selling tickets for the new attraction, he claimed he had plans for a billboard on the highway, just wanted to check with me first to make sure the extra traffic wouldn't be a nuisance. I politely explained that if I'd put up with him for 50+ years, a few more annoying people wouldn't be a problem. He got his chuckle and said he'd take it down the first of the week, but I asked him to leave it there until after Easter so the grankids could see it. I certainly hope he doesn't take that as encouragement!

That, in a nutshell, is my life with the nut I call Dad. I must say, he does make life on the farm a little more interesting. Just be careful what you say!